What are the Vital Relationship Skills?
The following are some of the most important relationship skills needed to have successful and lasting relationships. Without them, issues and upsets that occur in relationships do not get resolved or adequately resolved and tend to accumulate. The price for lacking these skills can be unfulfilling or stressful relationships or relationships that don’t last or never come close to attaining their full potential. These skills are all learnable.
This is important because spiteful or hurtful conflicts or compulsive win/lose "games" are destructive and get in the way of resolving anything and everything. Getting passed this type of conflict is necessary before any effective communication can take place (which is vitally needed if progress is to be made). While a fight or conflict is still in progress (covertly or overtly), any attempt at communication will fail because anything said or done will be interpreted (and responded to) as part of the "game". The challenge is to learn how to quickly recognize such situations and then get the participants to "drop the game" or, at least, achieve a temporary truce.
Communication is the magic ingredient that opens the door to resolving issues and upsets that have occurred. But, it needs to be effective communication. Talking or exchanging views or "dumping" can sometimes make things worse, especially if nobody really listens or people interrupt each other or where the "communication" is provocative or contains judgements or similar. To get somewhere, each of those involved needs to feel heard. Thus, competent listening skills are critical. The good news is that they are not that hard to learn.
Assertiveness skills are also needed if one is to effectively resolve upsets, conflicts, disagreements, issues, etc. Being loud, aggressive or overwhelming is not productive and can be very destructive. It's an awfully long way from listening! On the other hand, being submissive and never speaking up is a road to unhappiness and discontent. There is an important balance to be found plus there are ways to communicate your needs, feelings and truths and remain true to yourself.
Knowing and using a good problem solving method can be a very successful way to open up new possibilities and options that may have previously not even been considered or suspected. The best problem solving approach is collaborative, where those concerned work together to find a solution or solutions that meets the needs of both or all.
Without having and using an appropriate conflict resolution method, attempts to resolve conflicts will often not get very far or may even escalate into something much worse. Ideally, both parties (i) agree on the conflict resolution method to be used, and then (ii) use it effectively. Part of this method is really listening to the other person and letting him/her know that he/she was actually heard (to his/her satisfaction) by giving him/her some feedback (and correcting it if you didn't get it right). It needs to be done both ways. Done well, this is quite magical.
Grievances come is many forms. They may be hurts, insults, rudeness, damage, loss, broken agreements, betrayels, etc. and some may be more damaging or hurtful than others. There are ways to approach this that actually work and which maximize the possibility of full healing and forgiveness. Deep down, we all know that saying or doing nothing, hiding, pretending that nothing happened, asking "what's the fuss about?", making excuses, blaming the other person, etc. do not work.
Negotiation skills are needed in any relationship as negotiable situations arise almost every day. It is not uncommon for people to not recognize a negotiable situation and unnecessarily end up in conflict or a stalemate. The ideal outcome of a negotiation is where both or all parties have their needs met or, at least, to an acceptable and reasonable degree. Negotiation skills are very learnable, as are all of these relationship skills.
“Public relations” or PR consists of a set of skills that help to foster good relations. A lack of these can bring about the opposite condition. In this context, PR may include manners, etiquette, traditions, established protocols, thoughtfulness, random acts of kindness, treating someone with respect, flowers, complements, gratitude, etc. Some of these may be very important within a family or in a close relationship or a working environment. A skillful use of PR can sometimes open a door that seems closed and bolted to start with.
There can be times when a partner, child, friend, colleague, team mate, client, etc. is stessed or overwhelmed or is suffering. It may be that "things are just all too much right now" or something has happened which is distressing. Some useful and effective nurturing skills can come in very handy and can help to build or heal that relationship. These skills are also learnable.
Peter Graham
16th August 2006, revised 11 January 2007
Copyright © 2006 and 2007 by Peter D. Graham. All rights reserved.